Zombie Invasion: Baptists or Mormons?

I’ve been thinking, if there was a zombie invasion, who would I rather hole up with: the Baptists or the Mormons? Both these Christian sects are in good shape to hold off zombies. They keep provisions and have killer homemaking skills, they have guns and people who know how to shoot them, and a broad selection of family-friendly board games and movies to stave off boredom.

Of course, the very first question any one who knows me and Peter would ask, is why wouldn’t we go with either of our default religions? Well, it may be sacrilegious, but neither Buddhists nor Catholics are well-known for their zombie deterrence skills.

I suspect the typical Buddhist would sigh and submit to zombie-hood, in the hopes that one might find oneself a less harmful zombie than most; the priests may have some more advanced skills for actual combat, which they may or may not wish to employ, it is not yours to question. This may be a reason Buddhism hasn’t really caught on strongly in America, where people like to be a bit more proactive, at least when it comes to zombie defense.

Catholics would probably deal with zombies the same as they do with demons, namely, give exorcism a go. It saves on weaponry costs, but frankly, I think the Latin scholarship in Catholic schools has been seriously lagging since Vatican II. I don’t want to have to count on some guy who has to page through Wheelock’s Latin to figure out the right grammatical formation to say “Hey, you, dead guy, go to hell!” in the proper church Latin at a crucial moment. Plus, exorcism requires getting right up in the face of the exorcism-ee, which can be pretty harrowing when that exorcism-ee just wants to eat your brains.

Peter favors the Mormons, er, that is, the Latter Day Saints. He’s gone shooting with them, and he knows he can count on them to shoot straight and cover his back. They don’t drink alcohol or caffeine, but they’re plenty perky without it. Plus, Neil and Kelly will have other children to play with and distract them from the horror outside the perimeter. They tend to have really, really long services, but this probably also means they’re prepared to spend hours strategizing defense and offense against zombie hordes.

Personally, I like the Baptists. There’ll be a pot of strong coffee perpetually brewing. And there’s sure to be a big loyal hound dog or several to hold off the zombies while everyone is busy reloading. Hours of honing strategy is good and fine, but I  just want the zombies gone, so praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.

We’re lucky enough to have friends of both kinds of classic American Christianity, and frankly, we’d be happy to hole up with either kind if they’d let us. But honestly, our best chance is to just give both sects a thumbs-up for preparedness, and just hope against any zombie invasion at all.

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