I Haven’t Had Enough Booze Yet

I’m finally catching up listening to Shelly’s Podcast. I know the broadcaster personally, and the best I can explain the show is that it’s about technology, the quest for great music and other fabulousities, and all things Austin. On one of these shows, she played this sound clip: not_enough-booze.mp3

It’s clearly not Shelly, so some listeners speculated it was Molly Ivins. Well, it wasn’t, but it was pretty close. It was actually Shelly’s Texan mother, responding to Shelly asking her to be on her show.

Knowing that context, the phrase “I haven’t had enough booze yet,” is brilliant. It should be the title of a self-help book. I mean, just consider all the celebrities (Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Brittney Spears) who’ve done something extraordinarily stupid in recent memory, blamed it on their drunkeness, and promptly checked into rehab. If only they’d had the wisdom of Shelly’s mom, to pause and consider what they were about to do, and just declare “I haven’t had enough booze yet,” they’d still have their dignity and be $30,000 richer. Once you decide you haven’t had enough booze yet, only two options remain, and imminent worldwide public embarrassment isn’t one of them.

Announcing “I haven’t had enough booze yet” when you’re on the verge of doing something regrettable works whether you’re sober or not (and it’s actually more effective if you are sober and nowhere near alcohol.) You may choose to attempt to have enough booze: if you keep applying the phrase, you’ll eventually pass out, which severely limits your ability to do anything. Or you can choose not to have enough booze, because no amount of alcohol can make the deed you’re considering palatable. At worst, you’ll wake up the next day smelling bad and with a raging headache, but IMHO even that’s way better than becoming the featured act in Girls Gone Wild XVIII, or waking up next to the skeezy ex you worked so hard to get rid of.

On the other hand, if you think or want to do something, don’t make alcohol your tool. For instance, if you’ve been nurturing a secret desire to dance around topless in a video, why do you need to get drunk so some jerk can film you? You can stay sober (and pretend you’re drunk), make your own video, and sell it to desperate lonely dudes yourself. There’s a lot of things you can do sober that you can’t do drunk; but there’s nothing you can do drunk that you couldn’t do sober as well. (Yes, all those stupid things–you can do them sober, too!)

The wisdom of Shelly’s mom even works in a larger realm. When it comes to dealing with a lot of unpleasantries, frankly, none of us have had enough booze yet. But since no amount of booze will ever fix it, all we need is the knowledge that we haven’t had enough. Whether or not you choose to have some then, is up to you.