The “No Blood for Tea” Speech

My fellow countrymen, our foolish feud with Britain has cost us thousands of lives and desperate strife. As I speak to you today, the British have consistently trounced us in battle after battle: from Manhattan to White Plains, from Fort Washington to Fort Lee. A full fifth of New York City lies in ashes, Nathan Hale was ignominously hanged, and our Navy is little more than mice going in battle against a tiger.

We cannot deny that the British have the most disciplined fighting force in the world. This army has already fought ably on our behalf, sacrificing their own men and efforts in the French and Indian war, and in keeping pirates from our shores. They also have the fierce, brutal Indians fighting with them, as well as crazed, hungry Hessians. We have little more than motley farmers and ill-behaved hooligans in our Army.

Yes, I will agree with the rebels than King George III and Lord North have exceeded their authority with the Stamp Act and the Intolerable Acts. But before we continue our frenzied, disorganized fighting, we must give these excesses the benefit of perspective. The Stamp Act was quickly repealed–and may we not expect a civilized nation to repeal the Intolerable Acts in due time as well? I must add that other Imperial nations, like Spain and the Netherlands, readily tax their colonies–and were our nationalist experiment to succeed in wrenching the colonies free of Britain, our own inner strife would make us easy targets for a less benevolent flag than Britain’s.

I’ll also add that in civilized, modern nations, a despot’s reign is tempered by the hand of God. Already we know that the king’s son, Edward, has not the stubborn character of his father. For all we know, George III may see the same ignoble end as a similar ruler before him, Charles I, but for that, we must rely on our countrymen in England. And as for Lord North, we know him to be little more than King George III’s toady, but we need to do little more than to agitate for parliamentary representation to redress than wrong–there’s no need for us to soil our own land with blood.

Hope–hope–is what we should have for a brighter, better future. We can expect to have our grievances addresses and repaired with patience and diplomacy. I can’t imagine our country coherently united under our own flag. Why, already, those with opinions like mine have been ostracized, tortured, and even killed by their own neighbors–simply for a difference of opinion!

We can’t win this fight and we can’t even get along with each other. We’re safer and saner acquiescing to British rule. Let us wait out George III and Lord North. Let us continue debating the justice–or injustice–of the Intolerable Acts, and let us petition for fair representation in Parliament. But by all means, let us stop shedding our blood by making one of the world’s most benevolent nations, our patron and protector, our enemy.

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